Bi-Polar aka Manic-Depressive Disorder, is a painful and hard way to live one's life. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not ever. I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't suffering at least a degree of internal pain. No words can explain it, nor did there have to be a reason. The pain was just there, eating away at my heart like a slow, but destructive cancer. To those who do not suffer from this disorder, this disease, it is not something easily understood, if it is even ever understood. How do you explain, when things are going well, that you are just unhappy, just sad, just hurt deep inside? You can't and eventually you just stop trying.
People will call you crazy, mentally unstable, insane...Yet you are not any of these. You know what you are going through, the hell you are unintentionally putting others through. You know it all, the highs and the lows, the joys and the sadness, the feelings of euphoria and the feelings of utter and complete despair; the elated feelings of goodness and good will and then the frustration, the irritability and even the rage...and yet, you can do nothing about any of those feelings. They are just there; they are just a part of you that you can not control.
The doctors and the shrinks prescribe a cocktail of mind and mood altering drugs that actually do some of us more harm than good. You are either so zombied out that you can't feel anything except the drug, or you fall farther and deeper into the darkness until everything goes out, even your very life.
I've been to both places and it scared the hell out of me! I'm smart enough to know that I'm not crazy and I've been evaluated enough times by professionals that they would agree. Yet the medications did alter my thought processes to the point that I truly thought I was losing my mind. Getting off those drugs was harder than the months and months it took to try and get me regulated, despite my body and brain screaming, "FORGET IT! WE'LL NEVER SURRENDER WITHOUT A FIGHT!" The last time I finally got off the meds, I swore, "Never again!" And, I meant it. It's not been easy, but I'd rather have my sanity as I struggle through the disorder than be so medicated I am uncertain who I even am.
Most days, most weeks, sometimes I can even go months, I'm good. I can keep the sadness and the depression at bay. I like being able to feel, even if the feelings aren't always good. I like being in control of myself, at least to some degree, and making decisions based upon who I am without meds as opposed to who I didn't recognize while taking them. But sometimes, the stresses of life sort of sneak up on me and before I realize what is happening, I have a 'flare' and down I go.
So, I crawl into my shell and keep everyone at arm's length because what no one seems to understand is that a simple word or act can be a trigger for me. Something that seems 100% benign to you may be the catalyst that brings on severe depression for me. For this reason, I learn to stay away from just about everyone except my immediate family.
You see, I don't have to worry about whether they love me or not. I don't have to worry if they find me good enough, if they find me smart enough, if they find me worth a dime. I know that they do and I am safe with them. But it's not so with many others out there. Not so at all.
Yeah, I'm super sensitive...to words, to deeds, to nuances, to the looks that people give. I'm super sensitive to criticism as well because, you see, I am already my own worst critic.
Truth is, it's easier for me to write words and never know if anyone disagrees with them. It's easier for me to hide behind a computer keyboard and screen than have to deal with people face to face because I fear that I won't be good enough face to face.
Truth is, I'm not.
If I were then why is it that I have not had a single close friend for any length of time in the past 20 something years; a friend that would drop in for coffee and sit and visit for hours, or a friend that I could go shopping or 'do' lunch with, just a friend to hang out with? (Not including my husband and my kids, that is.)
If I was worth a damn, there would be someone out there that I could seriously call my best friend.
And so, this life and this disorder makes for a very lonely life. Very lonely, indeed.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Swimsuit Shopping
Yesterday I had to go online and search for a swimsuit. We're hoping to go to the beach at the end of summer, plus the ladies get together a few times a week and swim at the local pool, so I needed a swimsuit.
I found this...
But then I remembered my size and realized if I actually bought it and wore it, I would look like this...
And that was NO good!
So, after three hours of searching the web, I finally found and bought this one...
Kind of cute, I think, and maybe enough material there to cover up a multitude of bad eating choices and my aversion to exercise!
I found this...
So, after three hours of searching the web, I finally found and bought this one...
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Love doesn't kill.
I don't actually hate anyone, though there are some that I seriously dislike. I honestly don't want anyone dead, though there are some I wish would just go to another country, another planet, another universe. But hating someone and wanting them dead is just something I do not feel. In fact, I am not sure that if the life or death opportunity presented itself...the situation where it was either them or me...that I would choose my life over anyone elses life.
When I was a very young adult, I allowed myself to be talked into having an abortion, even though it was not what I wanted. I was weak and I was wrong for not standing up to Satan and his two vessels, and I will regret that horrible decision for all of my days since.
I knew the instant that my unborn child died. The horror of what I had done coursed through my veins like ice water and a part of me, in addition to that child, died. For months I teetered between life and death, every night falling asleep wanting to die and some of those nights coming within inches of bringing about my death. Eventually, I found my way back to God and after several years, I finally forgave myself. Doesn't mean that I will forget it or stop regretting it. Just means I forgave myself. Of course, some people reading this may not believe that, but those readers will have to discuss this with God.
After that, I realized the true value of human life. I realized how wonderfully precious and unique every life is to God, both the unborn and the born, both the good people and the very bad. As I've grown older, I've grown to the point that the mere flippant remarks of people who say, "I'm going to kill so & so." and "I wish so & so was dead!", not only makes me ill, it makes me want to get as far away from that person as possible; wash my hands of them and move as far away from their presence as I can get! I truly do not want or need that kind of negativity and hatred in my life! And I don't care if it's in joking, either. It shouldn't be said, even lightly. The very Bible tells us that we shall be held accountable for every word uttered from our mouths, and I really don't want to have to explain my ugly, hate & death filled words to God because I am already going to have enough to have to answer for.
I know a man who told his wife that if he ever caught her with another man he would kill her; blow her brains out. What made this even more shocking was that the wife was not doing a single thing wrong, nor had she been. Fact is, she was old, obese and in questionable health at the time and 'fooling around' was just not something her mind had ever entertained. This same man gets mad at random people and says he's going to shoot them, cut them, kill them. He hates anyone who disagrees with him, anyone who he feels wrongs him, anyone who might be a different race than he. And even though he's never been in any trouble with the law, he freaks out every time they get close to him. It makes me wonder if his flippant threats are maybe not quiet so flippant, and he fears that he's going to get caught if he ever acts on them.
Regardless, love does not hate. Love does not kill. Love does not want others dead. Love does not even threaten death, especially to those that one has been sworn to honor and love and protect. Love does not entertain ugly thoughts, nor does it play negative scenarios through ones head where it eventually erupts from their mouths.
God is love and if we have God in us, His love will guard our hearts AND our minds. We won't think about hating and killing because it is contrary to the God that is in us. But people who spout words of hatred and murder are not, can not, be walking with God, nor can they truly have God in their hearts. It is just impossible for God and Satan to inhabit the same vessel.
However, as hypocritical as this may sound, I do believe in the death penalty. I believe that we should establish firm and unwaivering consequences to certain crimes. There was a time in this world where coldblooded killers knew that they would themselves die via hanging, firing squad, electric chair, gas chamber, lethal injection. The consequences of coldblooded murder was enough to deter many an individual. But something changed and people grew soft and now? No one seems to care if threats are made, and if those threats are eventually carried out, some bleeding heart is going to try and blame the victim or some other nonsense, and more times than not the killer gets a hard slap on the wrists, maybe even life behind bars, but rarely are they put to death by our Criminal Justice system. How is that a deterrent? The thing is...I believe in the Death Penalty, but I could never be the person who administers it!
When someone tells me that they are going to kill me, I take that threat seriously, even if law enforcement does not. I don't make threats such as that because I value human life, even if I don't like certain humans. When someone threatens my life, I feel that they do not value human life and I believe that if given the chance, that person would kill me dead and do so without hesitation.
Love doesn't kill. It's as simple as that.
Real love would rather be humiliated and embarrassed, than cause fatal harm to those it loves.
So the next time someone who claims to love you says that they will kill you, even in a supposedly joking manner, do yourself a favor and sever ties with that person as soon as you can! You aren't God. He is the only being that can fix a heart filled with that much hatred and callousness.
When I was a very young adult, I allowed myself to be talked into having an abortion, even though it was not what I wanted. I was weak and I was wrong for not standing up to Satan and his two vessels, and I will regret that horrible decision for all of my days since.
I knew the instant that my unborn child died. The horror of what I had done coursed through my veins like ice water and a part of me, in addition to that child, died. For months I teetered between life and death, every night falling asleep wanting to die and some of those nights coming within inches of bringing about my death. Eventually, I found my way back to God and after several years, I finally forgave myself. Doesn't mean that I will forget it or stop regretting it. Just means I forgave myself. Of course, some people reading this may not believe that, but those readers will have to discuss this with God.
After that, I realized the true value of human life. I realized how wonderfully precious and unique every life is to God, both the unborn and the born, both the good people and the very bad. As I've grown older, I've grown to the point that the mere flippant remarks of people who say, "I'm going to kill so & so." and "I wish so & so was dead!", not only makes me ill, it makes me want to get as far away from that person as possible; wash my hands of them and move as far away from their presence as I can get! I truly do not want or need that kind of negativity and hatred in my life! And I don't care if it's in joking, either. It shouldn't be said, even lightly. The very Bible tells us that we shall be held accountable for every word uttered from our mouths, and I really don't want to have to explain my ugly, hate & death filled words to God because I am already going to have enough to have to answer for.
I know a man who told his wife that if he ever caught her with another man he would kill her; blow her brains out. What made this even more shocking was that the wife was not doing a single thing wrong, nor had she been. Fact is, she was old, obese and in questionable health at the time and 'fooling around' was just not something her mind had ever entertained. This same man gets mad at random people and says he's going to shoot them, cut them, kill them. He hates anyone who disagrees with him, anyone who he feels wrongs him, anyone who might be a different race than he. And even though he's never been in any trouble with the law, he freaks out every time they get close to him. It makes me wonder if his flippant threats are maybe not quiet so flippant, and he fears that he's going to get caught if he ever acts on them.
Regardless, love does not hate. Love does not kill. Love does not want others dead. Love does not even threaten death, especially to those that one has been sworn to honor and love and protect. Love does not entertain ugly thoughts, nor does it play negative scenarios through ones head where it eventually erupts from their mouths.
God is love and if we have God in us, His love will guard our hearts AND our minds. We won't think about hating and killing because it is contrary to the God that is in us. But people who spout words of hatred and murder are not, can not, be walking with God, nor can they truly have God in their hearts. It is just impossible for God and Satan to inhabit the same vessel.
However, as hypocritical as this may sound, I do believe in the death penalty. I believe that we should establish firm and unwaivering consequences to certain crimes. There was a time in this world where coldblooded killers knew that they would themselves die via hanging, firing squad, electric chair, gas chamber, lethal injection. The consequences of coldblooded murder was enough to deter many an individual. But something changed and people grew soft and now? No one seems to care if threats are made, and if those threats are eventually carried out, some bleeding heart is going to try and blame the victim or some other nonsense, and more times than not the killer gets a hard slap on the wrists, maybe even life behind bars, but rarely are they put to death by our Criminal Justice system. How is that a deterrent? The thing is...I believe in the Death Penalty, but I could never be the person who administers it!
When someone tells me that they are going to kill me, I take that threat seriously, even if law enforcement does not. I don't make threats such as that because I value human life, even if I don't like certain humans. When someone threatens my life, I feel that they do not value human life and I believe that if given the chance, that person would kill me dead and do so without hesitation.
Love doesn't kill. It's as simple as that.
Real love would rather be humiliated and embarrassed, than cause fatal harm to those it loves.
So the next time someone who claims to love you says that they will kill you, even in a supposedly joking manner, do yourself a favor and sever ties with that person as soon as you can! You aren't God. He is the only being that can fix a heart filled with that much hatred and callousness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)