I went out to the cabin Friday night to unload 1,000 pounds of feed and to check feeders. I also checked the Game Camera at the water trough, and as usual, I always get some great shots of the wildlife.
Kinda pretty, huh?
I spent the night out there behind a locked gate. The thing is, when I go out there to be alone, I want to be ALONE! I stayed up until after midnight, reading my book drafts and listening to the rain fall on the tin roof, and I only had to talk to my husband when I had to report in. I slept pretty good, but woke up right at daylight to watch a few deer and a jackrabbit, then I went back to bed. Sometimes it's lonely out there...But, I like lonely just fine. Talking & listening wear me out! Sometimes I'd rather hear these foxes all night long that have to listen to or talk to a single person!
I checked the Game Camera this morning.The
only creepy part was that less
than 30 minutes before I checked
the
camera Saturday morning, the javelina
was there. I've heard lots of
people say
that javelina aren't anything to worry
about...I call
Bullshit on that!!! Other
people can be fascinated by them, just
like
some people are fascinated by bear
and snakes, but I'll stick to safety
first
and leave those mean bastards alone!
My entire life, I have been a dreamer, a planner, a thinker, a hoper.
I dream of big things. I plan out how things will be if those dreams come true. I think of what I will do with those plans and those dreams, and I hope that someday they materialize.
Many times I've seriously considered giving up. Just stopping...stop dreaming, stop planning, stop thinking, stop hoping, just stop living. But from somewhere deep inside, a little voice whispers, "Don't give up. Hope is still here."
So, off I go again, creating dreams in my head and chasing them.
Yet, I've reached a point in my life where I catch myself thinking, "Am I too old to dream anymore? Am I healthy enough? Do I have enough time left to chase after a dream, plan for it, think about it, even hope for it?"
Still, the dreams beckon me...They almost shout out my name at times, or so it seems. They say, "We're not done yet! Don't give up on us just yet."
This afternoon as I took my walk I looked up at the sky and I asked God, "Do I dare? Do I dare to pursue another dream? Even if you give me many years, am I strong enough to handle another disappointment? The heartbreak of another unfulfilled dream, another "No!" from you? Do I dare to take another chance?"
My body tires so easily these days and I just fear that I will lack the physical energy to see this new dream through.
My mind screams, "GO FOR IT!", but my body says, "I'm tired. I just don't know if I can take even the possibility of another disappointment."
I sure wish things were easy.
Do I dare to take a risk, or do I play it safe and take a nap?
Growing up, I was the oldest of four children, and the only girl.
Two and a half years after I was born, my first brother came along the day before Christmas. I was always an observant child and so when Momma brought him home from the hospital and he begin to cry, I told her to take him back to the hospital and get her money back. I mean, he seemed kind of faulty to me at the time with all of that fussing and crying. But before long, he became my best friend and I watched over him like a hawk. I helped him learn how to walk, as any good sister would, and when he would start peeling all of his clothes off in the front yard, I would undo the diaper pins for him so that he wouldn't poke himself. I never did understand why mother would get so upset and take a switch to me. After all, how many four year old children can change or remove a diaper without poking themselves or their brothers? Later, we would sit side by side for hours building sand fences and corralling pill bugs, or raiding the goose's nest under the house and breaking the eggs open as we played like we were cooking breakfast. Of course, we never told mother and she just assumed that snakes were getting her geese eggs. As we grew older, Daddy would have a load of dirt brought in to fill a low place in the yard, and my brother and I would build roads, lakes, dams and even subdivisions using the Tonka toys he always got for Christmas, as well as the garden hoe. (Daddy was a smart man...He gave us kids dirt to play in and we eventually got that dirt pile leveled and then he would get another load brought in.) Some of our biggest fights were over land lines, land grabs and construction equipment theft, and we would do battle that would have made William Wallace proud as we whopped each other with clubs and screamed obscenities from our mud smeared faces. (Our Wallace gene ran strong, even before we knew we possessed it!) Sometimes, we would join forces and attack our younger brother who joined the clan in 1968. But mostly, if 2nd brother made us mad, we would just hold him down and tickle him until he peed his pants. He would come up swinging and we would run away from him together, laughing our heads off. As we grew older, we did chores together; feeding chickens, gathering eggs, milking the cow, gardening, yard work, whatever. It was usually us two oldest...as 2nd brother spent more time getting out of work than we did doing work. 2nd brother was a charmer, a clown and a comedian. He was momma's favorite and he could get by with saying and doing things that momma would have truly killed us over. And if you think this made us mad, you'd be correct. There were a few times where momma did not give him the spanking he deserved, but we would! Much later the fourth child joined us and we all had a hand in spoiling him rotten because he was 'our baby'. To this day he is rotten, and we have only ourselves to blame.
While I love all of my brothers...warts and all...Number one brother will always be the one I feel most at home with. Even as children, he was steady and unchanging, dependable and constant. I, on the other hand, was either like the wind: flighty, changing, floating around with my head in the clouds, or a forest fire: hot tempered and destroying everything in my path.
Last night I spoke to him over the telephone and when I got off an hour later I smiled. In this world where everything and everyone changes, where nothing seems dependable and people's emotions are like the waves on a stormy, unpredictable ocean, my brother remains steady, unchanging, dependable and constant.
I am so glad that momma didn't return him when he was a baby. There's no amount of money that could ever replace my brother, Jimmy.
