There are certain realities in life that I tend to avoid if at all possible and I'll make all kinds of petty excuses that will enable me to stick to my guns of avoidance.
Illness, death & funerals are just three of these things.
If someone is sick and terminally ill, I am the worst friend in the world because I stay away...not from the person, but because I can not contain or restrain my emotions around someone who I know is about to leave this world forever and I'll never get to see or hear them again. It's entirely selfish. I know this and I apologize for it, but I can't change my screwed up reactions, anxieties and emotions.
Funerals are pretty much an extension of this.
I don't 'do' funerals anymore. At least not if I can avoid them. I get totally freaked out saying 'goodbye' to people I love and I end up making a 'scene', which embarrasses the hell out of me and just about everyone else in attendance. I swear...Nothing fake about it. I just turn into a snot-slinging, sobbing, sometimes wailing mess! Not only do I have social anxiety disorder, I also have illness, death and funeral anxiety disorders!
But yesterday, a beloved family member called to tell me that they have named me as their beneficiary on a small life insurance policy and this policy is to be used to cremate them and dispose of their ashes. This person even said that they needed to bring me their 'box', the 'box' that will hold their ashes.
I was both honored and then, totally freaked out.
Most of the time I do my best to avoid the unpleasnant realities of life such as illness, death and funerals. But I guess God has other ideas for me because within the past month I've found out that I've had a heart attack, I have heart damage, and someday I will have to tend to the remains of someone I have loved my entire life by having their body cremated and then having a service after.
I just hope and pray that my body holds up for many years to come and that this other person lives a long, long life because I'm just not I'm ready to die or cremate anyone just yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment