Growing up, there were a lot of things that harmed me and there were a lot of things that I thought, was even told from time to time, that I brought on myself. It finally got to the point where I was filled with so much pain and anger, that I turned it all inward and begin years of self-destruction. I did things that I knew were wrong, but I was past the point of caring. I figured that if no one else cared and I was responsible for the bad, I might as well be bad and maybe someday I would just die.
I hated me; everything about me. I didn't care. Nothing mattered.
So, I made some very bad choices and I followed some very bad paths. I did many things that I would later be ashamed of, even regret to the very core of my being, but at the time I simply did not care. The pain was too intense. The hatred of me and all that I was, wanted nothing more than to destroy my very existence on this earth.
Later, God started speaking to me...that same Voice that had saved me from my attempted suicide, that voice begin speaking to my heart.
At first there was severe condemnation...I had been raised in a church that used the 'guilt trip' as a means to salvation and for several years, I fell right back into that terrible teaching. Once again, the ugly thoughts of suicide invaded my mind and I struggled to keep those thoughts at bay for several years.
Eventually I found my way...not the way of my 'ancestors', but MY way; the way that God had prepared for me, the way away from and out of the guilt of condemnation. It was at that time that I begin to understand the wonderful, loving and forgiving true Grace of God and it's healing power begin to slowly, but thoroughly, cleanse my entire being.
It was also during the beginning of this 'renewal' and 'awakening', if you will, that I felt a 'call' on my life. A 'call' to share my experiences, a 'call' to help others who, like me, were in such horrible, indescribable pain. I even said, "If I can help one person, just one single person, it will have all been worth it."
And I meant every word!
Only problem was??? When I begin sharing my testimony, sharing my story, the very people who 'claimed' to be supporting me spiritually, the very people who 'claimed' to be my brethren in Christ, the very people I called 'family' and 'friends', these people would shoot me down! They would stop me before I even got started and they would tell me that I needed to 'forgive myself' and that I needed to 'forget the past'.
They wanted me to cover it all up and just act like nothing ever happened.
I heard that 'you need to frgive yourself and move on' line so often that I started questioning my motives, then I started questioning God's 'call', and then I started questioning God.
Even though I knew what He had called me to do, even though I felt that my story was one that needed to be shared and told, I finally got so tired and so sickened by having these 'wonderful' people chastise me that I stopped. I just quit even trying.
I withdrew from everything and everyone, and I kept it all hidden within my own heart. I convinced myself that maybe I had been wrong and maybe it would be easier to just stay away from people instead of 'accidentally' dropping a word here or there and then having them tell me that I needed to 'forgive myself'.
And, of course, everyone was happy. Everyone was comfortable. No one had to think of bad things or hear bad stories, no matter how much God might have forgiven, healed and restored a person. THAT wasn't important. What WAS important was that these people's level of comfort wasn't challenged or threatened, and all was well in their little narrow worlds.
Yet...in my world? There was no peace. The desire to share my story was as strong as ever. God had not released me from the 'call' and I knew it. But still, I allowed others to keep me silenced.
Almost three years ago I received a call from a distant cousin. I had not spoken to her in years and did not understand why she had called me. But in the course of the call, she suddenly said, "I just have to thank you." I asked, "For what?" She said that I had saved not only her life, but her child's life as well. I did not understand and I said as much. She then said, "Remember when you talked to me that day and told me your story?" Sadly, I did not. She went on to say that until that moment, the moment that I told her my story, she had planned on aborting the child she carried (that no one knew about at the time) and then she had planned on taking her own life afterwards. I was shocked and it was one of the few times in my life where I was at a loss for words. She went on to say that after I told her my story, something changed in her heart and she changed her mind, decided to keep the baby and give her life another chance. She said, "It was tough at first, and it's been tough many times since then, but I have never regretted changing my mind. I am so blessed now and I owe you. You saved mine and my child's life. You did that and you should be proud."
I forgave myself a long, long time ago. God forgave me, as well, and He gave me another chance. Not to forget the 'chapters of my life', but to embrace them, to own them and to always remember where I was so that I would never forget how far His love, His forgiveness and His precious Grace had brought me!
I will share my story. I will speak of my testimony. I will tell the world just how wonderful and gracious my Father in Heaven is. I will shout out from the mountain tops just how far my wonderful God has brought me.
And, if any 'chapter' of my life makes you uncomfortable to hear or read my story, then I can assure you...I'm not the one with the problem!
This is who I am...a book made up of many chapters.
I am not defined by any single chapter.
My identity is the entire story, and by the Grace and Love of Almighty God, it shall end well!
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